Привет из Киева! Hello from Kiev!
Headline Shirts is writing from Kiev, Ukraine! If you’re looking on a map, you can find Kiev by going to the edge of lawful society and then heading about 1 million miles south. Yeesh! HS has found itself in some sketchy ‘hoods before — Cambodia, Indonesia, Mexico, Washington, D.C. — but three shakedowns in one day has got to be a new personal best. Luckily the the cops were right on the spot. The downshot is that they were the ones fleecing us. Guess we can’t complain though. In a country that consistently ranks Top 10 for income disparity — watch out, Bosnia and Herzegovina! — this is what passes for “entrepreneurship.” (Trust me, you don’t want to know what they consider “corruption.”) We thought about protesting the three $10 “walking while American” fees, but thought better of it after getting a healthy stare at their automatic assault rifles. (They take J-walking very seriously here.)
Well, on to our main reason for being here, to crown our winner of Kiev’s best t-shirt. We found this stylish lad at the local strip club, where he told us he was the number one customer. He lamented as to why no women (outside the club) would talk to him, to which we responded that perhaps he should find himself a new look, possibly a bit less aggressive, and with a few fewer expletives, but hey, that’s just our style.
And here we have our tour guides. Our aggressive t-shirt guy couldn’t understand why they were with us (we told him we picked them up outside the club). Beyond the $$ we spent on our guides we gave him a card and told him if he rocked a Da Vinci Rockman out next time he’d have a better chance. Then we told our tour guide if she ever saw a guy in our shirt to make sure to compliment him. It is true, Headline Shirts can make dreams happen! Hope he orders one…
In our “best hair” of Kiev award we actually had at least a dozen specimens who qualified, but this mullet takes the cake. Seems this is hipster-ific hairdo is the in thing in Kiev. Irony has not made it this far east yet, or so it appears.
Four Star Accommodations in Kiev!
Eating is optional, and not recommended, however the house label Champagne would be considered “luxury” in the US.
Actually this is were they keep the bodies, so technically the Engrish is correct.
Well, it isn’t Tool Time, that’s for sure.
It is, however, Hammer Time! Citizens in Oakland, Calif overwhelmingly passed Ballot Measure H last night, hereby changing the city’s timezone from Pacific Daylight to Hammer Time.
As a final step, Oakland will also be adding the words “(Hammer Time)” to the bottom of every stop sign.
Sasquatch the Legend
Sure people have pondered the existence of Sasquatch. Is this thing of the woods myth, legend, or poppycock? Well, we’re here to clear your worried heads. Sasquatch DOES exist, and he enjoys riding his bicycle through the valleys and gorges of his fair lands.
Think about Harry and the Hendersons, would TV create a show based on fiction?! Absolutely not! Alf is real, as is Oceanic flight 815, and all those kids who read books on The Reading Rainbow.
If you still doubt the existence of this woolly man-beast, check out the photo we found. We decided to share this photo with the world by means of a t-shirt, in order to show the Squatch that belief is only a click and a wear away.
Flamingos: duck, stork, goose, or gander?
Well the truth is, the flamingo is in a class all its own. It’s also the name sake for the Flamenco, as they choose mates based on their dance abilities. The Flamenco was then formed and people started dancing and producing babies faster than Mary Poppins could get those kids to take their medicine with a spoonful of sugar.
Don’t believe us? Believe Mother Nature because she’s a no-bullshit kinda gal.
Flamingos became so popular in fact that suburbanites around the globe decided to decorate their yards with these beautiful birds. These lawn ornaments represent a house that’s ready to cut a rug at a moments notice. This is why Apollo 12 decided to bring a little party to the otherwise boring golf tournaments held on the moon. We have an exclusive photo of this decorative mission and have decided to share it with you via this ridiculously comfortable tee.
Check it out at your convenience: http://www.headlineshirts.net/moon-flamingo-t-shirt.html
Oh, and don’t let NASA know we spilled the beans.
Lemme answer your inquiries.
Today we’d like to answer some frequently asked questions about Headline Shirts. Here they are, in no particular order…
Why do your shirts cost so much? Can’t I just go to Wal-Mart and get, like, five t-shirts for the same cost as one of yours?
Probably. Hey, as long as you’re headed to Wal-Mart, could you pick us up some Nascar lounge pants? Or, even some sweatpants (aka, called Quitters when worn in public)
OK fine, what makes your shirts so special?
Our shirts are made with the softest cotton and produced with sweatshop-free labor in the USA. We print with custom, eco-friendly, water-based inks. Finally, the shirts are put through a softening wash to give them that how-many-rabbits-had-to-die-for-this feel. All shirts have tagless necks printed with our signature neck design. Try finding that at Wal-Mart.
Are your shirts preshrunk?
Yes, our shirts do run small. Not Larry-Bird-basketball-shorts small, but small. They’re put through a softening wash, which shrinks them somewhat. Please consult our sizing chart before you buy.
What is your return policy?
All sales are final. We will exchange a shirt for another size or style, but the customer must pay for shipping. Customers who blindly send back a shirt expecting a refund will instead be billed a random dollar amount divisible by 80. Merchandise will not be returned.
Are your shirts sweatshop free?
Yes, our shirts are made in the USA and completely sweatshop free. All of our employees love what they do and are encouraged to express themselves, so long as the expression fits on one side of a 3x5 index card, is written with a No.2 pencil, and does not mention senior executives other than to extol them. Talking is permitted during designated 12-minute intervals, except during months where lockdown is in effect (February through December).
How about the shirts themselves — are they ever abused?
No, our shirts are treated with dignity and respect. They graze on a lush green pasture for 14 to 18 months. When they reach maturity, we begin to feed them a diet of barley, corn, wheat, soy, molasses and hay. We never use growth-promoting antibiotics or hormones. At night we read them bedtime stories and check to make sure there are no monsters under the bed.
Does [INSERT SHIRT NAME HERE] come in another color?
If a shirt design is available in more than one color it will say so on the site.
What’s up with your tagless neck design? Why does it say “double scotch and loaded sidearm?”
Originally it was going to say “Stay in School” and “Be Nice To Old People.” Then we remembered how lame that would be.
Do you ever get angry letters from people?
Yes, but not as many as we’d like. We’re beginning to think this culture war thing is a load of hooey.
I have a great idea for a t-shirt you guys should make. Would you like to hear it?
No, thanks.
Oh, OK.
Nothing personal.
No, that’s cool. Um, let’s see… Do you really donate money to nonprofit groups or do you just say that for PR reasons?
Yes, we donate a portion of our sales to local and national nonprofit groups.
That model on your website — can I get her number?
No, you’re not really her type.
Do any of your shirts have subliminal messages?
Ha, ha, ha. It sounds silly, but you’d be surprised how many people ask this. Anyway, yes, most of our shirts do have a penis or at least some vaguely phallic image embedded in their design. Others carry messages encouraging kids to smoke and listen to hair metal.
Do people ever tell you that you kind of look like Jude Law?
Yes, sometimes I get that on a bad day.
Did you really get shot five times in the chest or is that just a myth?
Wanna see the scars?
Whats that smell?
The ham & cheese HotPocket I had earlier. Sorry.
Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
